i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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