you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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