We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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