Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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