We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
