Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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