dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
