Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
