My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
