you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
