I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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