Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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