I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
