that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
