Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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