I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
