Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
