I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
