I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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