This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
