I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
