Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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