When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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