you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
