i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
