Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
