I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
