I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
