I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
