I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
