i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
