I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
