Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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