I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
