You're completely useless in the revolution.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
