It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
