i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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