New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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