My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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