My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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