shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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