Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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