When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize