He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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