she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
