He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
