Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
