Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize