The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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