I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
