Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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