Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
