New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
