so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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