i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
