so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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