I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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